Never Give Up

So this post is going to be a little different. It’s about me and my struggles – even with my Firm belief in Faith and Gods unfailing Love. It’s about the struggles we face in the Flesh! It doesn’t matter how strong my faith or my belief is in knowing that God is in Control – ALL of the time! My flesh still hurts and longs for things that I have NO control over. Things I can’t pray into existence no matter how true or deep my relationship with the Lord is. These things He keeps reminding me are HIS – Not Mine! I don’t like to share my personal business because I know and feel the judgments that stem from that. How the stigma that surrounds mental illness is misconstrued as intolerance or weakness. Well those that know me – Know that weakness is Not in my vocabulary! Mental illness reeks havoc on the mind. Addiction is a by product of so many suffering from a mental illness or abuse that may or may not have caused said mental illness. I’m personally dealing with things I have shared; my daughter graduating and being an adult, the abuse or hurt suffered as a child. What I’ve neglected to say is how much this has caused me to struggle this past year. How the addiction has tried to rear its ugly head to tell me – you know how to suppress the pain. Though I’ve finally reached a point in my life – I don’t want to go back there! I take medication daily and have for years to control certain aspects of my illness. Though right now with everything I’m dealing with – it never seems to be enough. So the question comes, take more? Add a drink? Take both or seek the real relief? No, No, No! I will Not give in – I worked too hard, too long and suffered too much! I will get through this. Then BAM – another setback. I’ve hidden this part of me from just about everyone – my relationship with my mother. She’s a good person and would give the shirt off her back to anyone in need, but she has no clue how to be a mom. I can’t express to you how much that hurts; how my heart aches for a true relationship with her. I spent my teenage years taking care of her, physically, mentally and emotionally. I lost myself during that time. I ran after high school – trying to find- ME! My family thought my goal was selfish because none of them knew the truth! Sadly to say – I Never found ME, but I found something greater than ME – GOD! The flesh is weak, only in the Spirit will You find peace and even then, the flesh is a weakness that will always have a stronghold here on earth! Don’t give in and Never Give Up!