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Depression

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Honestly, I’ve never been one to ‘feel’ depressed or even had a real understanding. Looking back over my life I can now see many times where depression set in without me even realizing it. Lately I’ve come to realize that depression looms just below the surface. Having so many mental anomalies it’s hard for me to pinpoint which one is holding strongest. The last few months have taken a very stressful toll on my body and mind. I know I’ve spoken about pain in previous posts, but nothing prepared me for the physical and psychological pain that would overtake my life. I typically keep most personal information private, but God has asked me to share this, so you’ll understand – ‘I’m Not Special.’ I’m not divinely protected because of my unwavering faith or dedication to the ‘Living God.’ I outlined some in ‘Suffering’ but now let me make it real. I have been suffering from a ‘bad back’ since I gave birth 23 years ago. I herniated a disc back in 2002 – I could not walk, sit, stand or do pretty much anything for myself for almost two weeks. With no insurance back then – I opted for a chiropractor instead of an ER. I swear by chiropractic care, but for as long as I have been suffering maybe an ER would have had a different outcome. Too late now! Fast forward to 2022 (20 years later almost to the day) I was laid up again with another herniated disc in the same location. This time, however, I have insurance; so off to the ER we go. I was hoping for a miracle cure, but we got sent home with pain meds and orders to take it easy for a few months. Come to find out through 20 years of back pain and chronic pain management there is no surgery that can fix ‘muscle spasms that wreck the nerves.’

So, I have been on a downward spiral since the end of 2022. This continued through all of 2023 when the shots stopped working and then the high doses of pain meds started affecting my cognitive abilities. So into 2024, I became a medical anonomly. The doctors didn’t know what to do the pain had gotten so bad, that my entire body started fighting me. My blood pressure was staying at ‘stroke’ level no matter what meds were prescribed. My PCOS was overreacting and the PVCs in my heart could no longer be controlled by my beta blocker – my hormone levels were out of control and I was in a constant state of pain. Thank God for great benefits at my job. I was working under FMLA to maintain the days I could show up, but then came time for me to request Short Term Disabiltiy because the thought of this becoming permanent was becoming a real possibility.

So my doctors and I took the time to explore every single option available to try and get some relief. We were able to find the right meds to control the symptoms caused by the pain but getting that under control is still a work in progress. Unfortunately, when the spine center found a surgery that would work my insurance will not cover it, as it is NOT FDA approved. Being given this information we went back to the trial-and-error methods. Of course, this made me sad. I was now spending most of my days in bed or the recliner barely able to move. If you know back pain- you understand, if you don’t let me tell you your spine controls almost all of your movements. Let me sum this up – my heart arrythmias make me feel like I ran 10 miles just walking to the bathroom, my PCOS is menstrual cramps x10 in the front part of your body where the low back is. Now if there is a cyst on the ovary multiply menstrual cramps x1000. Understand this pain is not regulated to ‘that week.’ Now add a herniated disc in the low back – I have felt pain on a level so high its hard for people to understand. We are now onto the Long Term Disability and the ADA has had to be added to my claim.

Depression has set in, but I refuse to allow it to consume me. There are more days than not that I have been stuck in a blank stare. I have tried to stay positive through all of this. I have even negotiated with God that I was ok being paralyzed if it would stop the pain. He gave me neither. With few options, I did have a back surgery in hopes it would help. I was told it would not remove the pain but maybe make it less. Post op 4-5 weeks now – I’m still having the same pain!

I write all of this to tell you I’m not mad at God and being in a state of depression is Not an excuse for me to be. Life rarely goes as planned and bad things happen that are out of our control. I choose to focus on the positives – God has blessed me in so many ways. I use the scriptures to continue to give me strength when I have none left. Just like I said before Pain is just a place, we visit from time to time. Depression is an emotion that can be overcome with time and sometimes that ‘time frame’ is longer than we wish. Know that God did not forget you, just like He has not forgotten me! I don’t know why I am going through this or why bad things happen. It’s not fair, it’s not ok, but That my friends is OK! God has a plan, and it will all be revealed one day – just Stay Strong and Carry On!

Hearing God Speak

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You shall hear his words even when you don’t see his face. If you search for Him with all your heart and soul – You will find Him!

Agreeing with God about Sin is the first step in the channel of communication between God, the Holy Spirit and oneself. You must confess your sin; acknowledge you are a sinner and fall short of the glory of God! Accept the Forgiveness God offers through confession. Step two is a bit harder. This calls for us to set ourselves apart to be holy. Once the sin is confessed and forgiveness accepted – One must learn God’s decrees (laws) and put them into practice (obeying all His commands.) This part can be hard for some, seem impossible to others and even easy for some. However, this brings forth a question – Am I doing this with/for my own free will or is it divine intervention? The answer is Both! You need both of these to work together to complete step two. Despite our best efforts, we will never make ourselves holy – Only God can offer that. The apostle Paul teaches in Romans (8:13) that ‘For if you live according to the flesh, you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body – You will live!’ So, with your cooperation and the grace of Gods divine intervention – You are on track to hear God’s voice. The still small voice in your ear or the quiet whisper in the air. Learning to live out Gods truth rather than your own is Step 3. Once you’ve been set free from sin the remaining work is to continually remain in that truth. When temptation arises you have to stop and ask yourself – is this God’s will or a temptation of the flesh? We all are weak and are destined to fall, but consciously knowing these are decisions that can keep you from hearing God’s voice by being baptized of the Spirit- you must ask yourself if the temptation is worth it?! That is for you to decide.

Steps 4 and 5 are entirely up to you. You choose the path, and God stays with you as long as you let him. Step four is recognizing these fleshly desires and understanding these natural cravings are all a part of our sinful nature. You have the option to live according to the flesh or choosing to set aside those earthly desires to better align your conscious with the Will of God. The final step or obstacle as it may seem is to overcome those physical desires. In stepping away from them or not giving in – You can enjoy the deep sense of peace and satisfaction that Only God can provide. This can only be achieved by accepting who we are is whom God created us to be. Philippians 4:11-13 Teaches us to learn how to be content with our circumstances and understand we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. I hope and pray that every reader here, sets aside their earthly desires so that the Holy Spirit will come to reside in your heart, and you too will Hear God Speak.

Spiritual Warfare

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Spiritual warfare is Real!

God’s word tells us that Satan is a fallen Angel. (Isiah 14:12) The word traces his presence in our world from Genesis to Revelation. Ephesians 6:12 says ‘For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, instead we fight against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world and against evil spirits in heavenly places.’ Satan uses people to do his dirty work. Even as Christians we fight against evil thoughts or actions. We fall sometimes, but as long as your heart and mind stay fixed on God – you can let go of the anxiety and worry that grips your soul. If you can truly claim to be a born-again Christian, you have an easier time accepting all that is – All that is happening in the World today. You can watch your children go out into the world with confidence knowing that God already laid out All our futures – If you can truly claim “Not my Will, Lord, but thy Will be Done!” Your heart and mind will be content.

Suffering

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The Israelites were a free people until one day God decided to choose a future king before the other kings of the land chose one for themselves. At this time, it was in the beginning. The Book of Genesis (the first book of the Torah, then of the Bible). God began to send prophecies through dreams. Joseph, son of Jacob, was one of the first to ever receive these and he was hated and ridiculed for speaking them out loud. Soon after he revealed his dreams to his brothers – they plotted to kill him; as they did not want to be bowing to their brother. You know the story – he was thrown into a pit and then sold into slavery.

Suffering, from the beginning of time, has always been at the heart of God’s story. Suffering is character building. God chooses to use it, to create in you, the heart you Need to be a follower of Christ. He doesn’t always send sunshine and rainbows because that’s Not how life is- with or without HIM! When you are facing that mountain – climbing it is a challenge. Sometimes it feels too hard, too tall, too ridged or too steep! Know this is when most often we seek help – guidance – rescue! We seek God in our darkest moments, when we feel most alone, scared or lost! Thats when God will send out His Army, His soldiers – spiritual or real. But Most often this is where you find God, because most often this is when you seek HIM! God is Always there, even in the good times, but that’s not typically when people look for HIM. When life is going well, often He becomes forgotten or placed in the back of the mind- because we don’t feel as though we Need Him. Understand though that is not true – You need God in both good times and bad. Seek HIM in ALL things and give thanks to Him in your joyful seasons.

GRACE

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Let’s take a look at Grace for a minute.  What do you think of when you think of the word? Grace is the basis for Christian Faith. We as Christians believe we are saved by faith though Grace! Grace is not a compound or belief in or of itself. It’s like talent – Talent may take you to the top, but discipline is what will keep you there. Grace is Patience and Endurance, its Discipline and Suffering. I know you are wondering how in the world does that make any sense – Well it’s simple really, Grace is a noun and a verb and at times even an adjective.  Grace is not something you earn or work for – Grace is something that just is!  Just like we know suffering is Real, Grace is real because you can feel it. You feel it in your heart, in your inner most being. It is an offering of sorts, a consequence at times for living a life dedicated to Christ.  He knows what’s in your heart and only God can decide who is offered the peace of His Grace. It is simply His choice because we are all undeserving. We are all sinners and mistake makers; none of us are perfect or deserving. When we react to hardships we face; that shows a testament of our character. I know I don’t always react as I should when things aren’t going so well. One thing is certain, and we all know it – and that is – Choices have consequences! We live in a time in which many people who claim to follow Christ are willing to compromise Godliness for Worldliness.

God’s wonderful Grace is active every day, we never have to wonder if God is at work today!  Grace is offered in times of hardships. I found out how it works when my daughter was in the hospital having a lifesaving blood transfusion.  I was able to talk to everyone that I needed to, I held myself together and stayed strong in the face of unimaginable circumstances. I had No worry, No doubts, No emotion, but I had all the words, all the questions and complete clarity. Now, once we were through the ‘worst’ part I finally caught myself disconnecting, crying and asking God why. It wasn’t until late that evening in that hospital room with her alone that I felt God. At that moment I realized it was His Grace that had held me through the ordeal. We often talk of letting go and letting God, but who knows what that means. I found out during that time. I had no control over the situation we faced, I didn’t know what to do, what to say or how to act, but God did. My steadfast strength was not mine and I realized that the moment the whirlwind of emotion came flooding in – I wondered how I had not lost it hours ago?  Realizing then that God will hold you in your weakest moments or at your highest moments. Grace is unbounding, without limits. Most often people put Grace and Forgiveness together as one commodity; however, Grace is so much more than just forgiveness as I have already pointed out. But don’t think that changes graces factor in forgiveness! Forgiveness opens your Heart, but Grace is the work of the Spirit. Grace is by definition – unmerited favor or kindness shown to one who is utterly underserving. One cannot speak of grace without the acknowledgement of Sin! One cannot be forgiven and restored by grace if there was never sin that they needed restoration from. Grace is such a loving concept and if we could all accept the Peace offered through Godly grace, we will see how that plays in with the Eternal Life granted to those who remain dedicated to Christ no matter what the price! No one should ever think that because I love and worship the true living God that they will omit the suffering part.  Honestly, that is when you find God the most active. It may feel as though you are alone in those struggles, but here’s where it gets good – During those times; Think of the Footprints Poem and remember where your strength comes from!  Grace is here to stay and is offered to all, but you must stay committed and endure all that God puts on your path. This will grow your character and bring you closer to the Peace only He can offer!

Love

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We all strive to be loved.  To truly experience Love should start at birth, but we all know that isn’t how things always go. Love will never condemn you for being lost, but love will NOT let you stay there alone, even through it will never force you to come out from your hiding place. Love is an intangible gift; one you can give or receive.  The ultimate gift is knowing How much God Loves Us because of the sacrifice He made through Jesus Christ. Love is not a commodity, which you work for or earn. Trust is something you earn, Obedience is something you learn, Faith is something you grow, but Love – LOVE is All of these, yet none of these.

   No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God   has prepared for those who Love Him! (1 Corinthians 2:9)

Don’t let the enemy of your soul talk you into accepting anything less than what God has prepared for you. Growing up without the tenderness of Love- a love you can feel and experience, not just empty words, can leave you feeling lost and alone. But when Real love comes into play, it can be so powerful the feeling is undeniable. Love is Powerful- It can heal the most broken soul. The right kind of Love, the Healing Love, the patient, forgiving kind of Love can bring about a peace that is unknown outside of this type of Love. This kind of Love is Not just a feeling, but an experience.

  Love is patient, Love is kind…. Love never gives up, it never loses faith. Love is always hopeful and will endure through every circumstance.  (1 Corinthians 13)

We are called to love one another – to be brothers and sisters in Christ – bringing about a sense of a deeper Love only Christ can provide. He does this through undivided Trust, Obedience, and Faith!

God is waiting for each of us to grasp the Loving concept – ‘If you knew me, you would Trust me!’

Love is not to be taken for granted or given without boundaries, but Love is the greatest gift of ALL!

Let not your heart be troubled, for you are deeply loved by God!

Faith

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Levels of faith are earned through Trust, Obedience and Action. Faith takes action to produce. You can’t manifest it through thought or good works. Faith is earned through trials and tribulation that require Trust and Obedience. We find it easy to say, ‘Just have faith’ or ‘take that leap of faith’, but the truth is – no one can have Faith without Trust. Trust, I have learned, is Earned – not given. God should automatically earn your trust – just by the Truth foretold in the Bible. Like history, those that don’t know it are doomed to repeat it. Just reading through the scriptures should give you pause. We are living events foretold and reliving parts of history documented in the Bible. Faith is hard, yet we are told it’s easy or at least an easy concept. When God said he who believes only need to have faith the size of a mustard seed. Many people truly believe that is easy because a mustard seed is tiny, just a minuscule dot. That just means it’s a seed that needs watering to grow into its true magnitude.

Mountain moving Faith takes years to achieve no one is born with this spiritual knowledge. It’s a limitation of all humankind. The best news is that Our Father is not limited and there are none of us outside His realm of reach. We only need one thing or one person to plant that seed of faith into us; so that God can use that moment of realization to align things to fall into place to open the spiritual world to us. Then through our own studies and the ‘push’ of God will we be able to grow by leaps and bounds. Sometimes God will put you in a waiting period. We all get frustrated when our prayers aren’t answered right away, or the dream seems delayed. It is in this down time that God is working, using people, places and ‘things’ to grow and teach you! God chooses the weak, the poor and the sinner- you know us ordinary people, to conform the Wise. We are born in His image so that through the human life we can grow more Christ like through our trials or become bitter and sinical from the life we have. Personally, once I turned away from my anger and bitterness of the life I had been ‘given’ I realized I could choose my future. Learning to Trust in God that every bad thing that happened was just a test to see how I would react. What would I do to contribute to the growth of my own faith? We each are given tests, how you choose to respond will determine the outcome of your situation. Personally, I took to the Word. I began reading, studying and praying to a God I didn’t really know, I trusted that I was meant for more and needed to figure out how to get there. It is true when it is said the word of God is the Armor of God. He gives you scriptures to fight back against the battles you face, if you are in a down period, lost in the valley, You can hold onto the Words that are True! I would use scripture to combat my demons – when the Devil told me I was weak, God said I am strong – When the world reminded me that I was alone, God said I am with you, I will never leave you. When the heartache of lost loved ones filled my mind, again God reminded me that your rewards await you in heaven. A reminder I will be with them again. He equips us, builds our character, through trials and tribulations to be able to do extraordinary things. If God has you in a Holding period- Embrace the wait! You’ll experience Gods love while you are there. You won’t recognize it because you are still growing, but at some point, you’ll be able to feel it! A feeling of being safe- content – maybe even a little anxious. This is where You can change things. First, we must understand that everything that happens to us is character testing. Your reaction is the epitome of who you are at your core. Next, how do you overcome the situation or circumstance? Was this circumstance of your own choices – is it something you can change, if so, do you even want to? Never give up because it feels too Hard. Life is Hard, the world we live in is Hard, responsibilities are Hard, Obedience is Hard (at times). Life isn’t fair, but God is! Understand that through it all – This is the time when God teaches you who you are. A time when you learn to have Faith! Mountain moving Faith is REAL, we may not physically be able to move a mountain, but each trial you face feels like your own mountain! Hold on! Trust in His truth and Discover – You are a faith shaking, mountain Mover, Child of God, the Father.  

Obedience

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What a word – Obedience! We’ve all been obedient to Powers above us, but being obedient to God is different. He’s not giving you a ToDo list, categorized, organized, and laid out from most to least important. His commands come from His Word – The Holy Book – The Bible. Learning to Trust Him and follow His orders (so to speak) and to be able to do that without question – is Nearly Impossible! We typically aren’t obedient to someone or something if we can’t find Trust in it. You wouldn’t go Rock climbing if you didn’t trust your gear – the manufacturing and/or reviews of such. Just as you wouldn’t go scuba diving without trust in your air tank and diving buddy. It would be a ridiculous thought to even contemplate these activities without Trust! God is asking to be your lifeline – your rope – your tank. Trust that He will sustain you, as then you can be obedient in His tasks. I can promise you these tasks are more often than Not – uncomfortable, but that’s where Trust comes in. Can you trust Him with your life? As a parent we expect our children to be obedient to us and others of authority. We expect them to choose to be obedient because they Trust us with their lives. How is this act of Obedience between you and God, the Almighty Father any different? Obedience without Trust is impossible- No one would accomplish much if we all just blindly did as we were told.

We have to Trust that our call to Obedience is God’s Will. Not only will He meet us on the other side. He’ll walk us through the difficultness of the obedient task. I’m not afraid to tell you there are things He has tasked me with that I have questioned and even asked that He let me off the hook. Everytime this happens He reminds me of Moses and Abraham and the task He put before them- that took even greater Obedience and Trust than anything He could ever ask of me. Remember these moments in your lack of Trust. Pick up your cross, shoulder the burden and be as obedient as He is asking – knowing it’s for your own growth!

Trust

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Learning to trust God in the bleakness of tomorrow may seem like an overwhelming task, but ONLY God knows what Tomorrow Holds. That should at least make it easier knowing He’s already there. When we live Right – God will keep us from sin. This drove me to think- the reason for Jesus after all was that God so Loved the World (John 3:16) So what makes it so hard for us to love Him back? Do you know the true meaning of Love is Trust! If you Love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn’t – it Never was! How many times have we all heard this?? It’s the True meaning of Love and Trust! Trusting in the unknown of tomorrow, but choosing to Love in the Brokenness of today. I can face tomorrow because He lives! He Loves and I can TRUST in that! He will be there even if I don’t see or feel Him – I can Trust in That! Christianity suffered greatly under the rule of the Roman emperors. They had Rituals without righteousness, these conveyed ceremonies without sanctification. This only led the people to worldly desires! Though the Bible says our riches are stored in heaven, but if you can’t Trust in Jesus as the Risen savior, then you too will revert to the love of this world! You will miss the conviction of Truth – that of which God says this world is temporary for your Heavenly Home awaits! The more you learn to give, to consciously choose to allow God to move you in His Will – the more you’ll learn to Trust! So that even when troubles strike you’ll know it’s only temporary and the battles already been won! I have to remind myself as well, but it is in these moments where my faith grows and my trust is tested! The best thing you can do is remind yourself it’s only a test; so how can you win? You win by trusting God and the process. Maybe you won’t come out unscathed, you’ll have scars, but the scars will always remind you the true test of your faith. True Trust is Knowing God will meet you on the other side of the struggle. Often times in our Human minds we can only describe these times as Impossible to overcome! I’m here to tell you to Remember that through GOD All things are Possible!

God’s Will

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For a moment stop thinking about what you want; ask what Gods will is for your life.
Sometimes you have to give up yourself to find yourself. Sounds cliché but truer than you realize! Understand it’s the end of the story that really matters. The gospel (the Word of God – Bible) tells us to ‘submit’ your life to Christ in ALL your ways. The Hebrew word ‘ya da’ actually means ‘to know.’ So we are to care more about knowing God, than knowing ourselves.

“This is what God is waiting for you to grasp: If you know me, You would Trust me!” (Liz Curtis Higgs)

God promises to help you along the way, but you must be willing to follow His way. Pray for God’s will over your life. Submit your life to Him; it will give you greater confidence. Understanding though that even along Gods purposeful path there will be unexpected bumps, curves and bends. Our paths aren’t meant to be straight! Each ‘hiccup’ along the way was intricately designed to teach you something new. Embrace the lesson, take what you’ve learned and add it to your wisdom. Few of us ever set out on a journey without a map or a plan, but that is exactly what God is asking of you.

If this is the same thing he expected of His disciples, what’s makes you think you are better than they?! Thinking about the journey they took to spread the gospel – each one was unique in their own way. None so worthy of Gods forgiveness or better than the other – All were sinners; yet distinctly chosen! Simon/Peter, Andrew (Peters brother), James, John (James’ brother), Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, Thaddaeus, Simon and Judas. These men followed Christ’s instructions and set out in the direction God had told them to go. None knowing where they would sleep or where they would get their next meal, but knowing this is the way and with God on our side, doing His work: everything else would fall into place!
If we don’t think about where we are going or how we want to finish; it is more likely that we will drift with the current of our circumstances or default to the decision of others. As we consider how to find direction – it’s important to consider how we want to finish our journey here on Earth. Let God take you where He wants you to go – it’s not a race to the finish; Humble yourselves for a Heavenly reward awaits you at the End!

May you find your Purpose in the journey of His Will!