Honestly, I’ve never been one to ‘feel’ depressed or even had a real understanding. Looking back over my life I can now see many times where depression set in without me even realizing it. Lately I’ve come to realize that depression looms just below the surface. Having so many mental anomalies it’s hard for me to pinpoint which one is holding strongest. The last few months have taken a very stressful toll on my body and mind. I know I’ve spoken about pain in previous posts, but nothing prepared me for the physical and psychological pain that would overtake my life. I typically keep most personal information private, but God has asked me to share this, so you’ll understand – ‘I’m Not Special.’ I’m not divinely protected because of my unwavering faith or dedication to the ‘Living God.’ I outlined some in ‘Suffering’ but now let me make it real. I have been suffering from a ‘bad back’ since I gave birth 23 years ago. I herniated a disc back in 2002 – I could not walk, sit, stand or do pretty much anything for myself for almost two weeks. With no insurance back then – I opted for a chiropractor instead of an ER. I swear by chiropractic care, but for as long as I have been suffering maybe an ER would have had a different outcome. Too late now! Fast forward to 2022 (20 years later almost to the day) I was laid up again with another herniated disc in the same location. This time, however, I have insurance; so off to the ER we go. I was hoping for a miracle cure, but we got sent home with pain meds and orders to take it easy for a few months. Come to find out through 20 years of back pain and chronic pain management there is no surgery that can fix ‘muscle spasms that wreck the nerves.’
So, I have been on a downward spiral since the end of 2022. This continued through all of 2023 when the shots stopped working and then the high doses of pain meds started affecting my cognitive abilities. So into 2024, I became a medical anonomly. The doctors didn’t know what to do the pain had gotten so bad, that my entire body started fighting me. My blood pressure was staying at ‘stroke’ level no matter what meds were prescribed. My PCOS was overreacting and the PVCs in my heart could no longer be controlled by my beta blocker – my hormone levels were out of control and I was in a constant state of pain. Thank God for great benefits at my job. I was working under FMLA to maintain the days I could show up, but then came time for me to request Short Term Disabiltiy because the thought of this becoming permanent was becoming a real possibility.
So my doctors and I took the time to explore every single option available to try and get some relief. We were able to find the right meds to control the symptoms caused by the pain but getting that under control is still a work in progress. Unfortunately, when the spine center found a surgery that would work my insurance will not cover it, as it is NOT FDA approved. Being given this information we went back to the trial-and-error methods. Of course, this made me sad. I was now spending most of my days in bed or the recliner barely able to move. If you know back pain- you understand, if you don’t let me tell you your spine controls almost all of your movements. Let me sum this up – my heart arrythmias make me feel like I ran 10 miles just walking to the bathroom, my PCOS is menstrual cramps x10 in the front part of your body where the low back is. Now if there is a cyst on the ovary multiply menstrual cramps x1000. Understand this pain is not regulated to ‘that week.’ Now add a herniated disc in the low back – I have felt pain on a level so high its hard for people to understand. We are now onto the Long Term Disability and the ADA has had to be added to my claim.
Depression has set in, but I refuse to allow it to consume me. There are more days than not that I have been stuck in a blank stare. I have tried to stay positive through all of this. I have even negotiated with God that I was ok being paralyzed if it would stop the pain. He gave me neither. With few options, I did have a back surgery in hopes it would help. I was told it would not remove the pain but maybe make it less. Post op 4-5 weeks now – I’m still having the same pain!
I write all of this to tell you I’m not mad at God and being in a state of depression is Not an excuse for me to be. Life rarely goes as planned and bad things happen that are out of our control. I choose to focus on the positives – God has blessed me in so many ways. I use the scriptures to continue to give me strength when I have none left. Just like I said before Pain is just a place, we visit from time to time. Depression is an emotion that can be overcome with time and sometimes that ‘time frame’ is longer than we wish. Know that God did not forget you, just like He has not forgotten me! I don’t know why I am going through this or why bad things happen. It’s not fair, it’s not ok, but That my friends is OK! God has a plan, and it will all be revealed one day – just Stay Strong and Carry On!
Freedom in Truth 